The Darkest Light
by LittleTayy
Summary: In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."- Francis Bacon. Derek tries to help Emily but does she even want help or is she too far gone?


_**The Darkest Light**_

*****

_"In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."- Francis Bacon._

*****

The cry of the baby pierced the deadly quiet of the house as Derek stepped through the front door. He looked around confused. He dropped his keys on the sideboard and made his way towards the baby's room.

Pushing open the door he crossed the room to his baby girl, her cries breaking his heart. He carefully lifted her from her cot, cradling her against his chest, soothing her cries. Derek rocked her gently as he made his way out of the room, heading to the master bedroom looking for his wife. Opening the door quietly, he spied Emily lying on the bed, her back facing the door. He couldn't tell if she was awake or not but he needed to talk to her.

"Emily," he called softly, entering the room and moving closer to the bed. She didn't respond but he saw her wrap her arms tighter around herself and he knew she was awake.

"Emily, are you okay?" Derek asked, coming to stand in front of her. He could see her properly now. Her eyes were red and puffy and tears stained her pale cheeks. She shook her head, mumbling something incoherent into her pillow.

"Emily, honey, please tell me what's wrong. Audrey was crying. Why did you leave her?" he asked worriedly, sitting carefully on the edge of the bed.

"I…I don't know," she stammered turning to face Derek. There was something about the way she spoke, the slight tremor in her voice that had Derek even more worried. He wasn't sure what was happening but he had a fair idea. He thought back over the last six weeks since the baby had been born, trying to pick out anything that had caused the confusion and pain he saw reflected in her eyes. That's when he realised. Emily hadn't held Audrey or fed her or changed her or done anything in the six weeks they'd been home. He knew her mother had been around to help her and a nanny but he couldn't remember ever seeing Emily hold their daughter in the six weeks since her birth and he was starting to wonder if his assumptions had been correct.

"Emily, baby," he asked carefully, "Do you want to hold Audrey?" He continued. He remembered the doctor at the hospital talking to them, telling them postpartum depression could occur in first time mothers and wasn't as uncommon as it seemed. He also remembered the signs; sad mood, frequent crying, sleep disturbance, weight loss, loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness, guilt and rejection and negative feelings or lack of interest and worry over hurting the baby. They all seemed to describe Emily perfectly.

Emily, who had sat up and was positioned against the headboard stiffened instantly. She looked scared for a moment, like a deer caught in headlights. She shook her head slowly, avoiding Derek's eyes.

"I can't," she mumbled, barely above a whisper. She was nervous, chewing on her bottom lip and wringing her hands in her lap.

"Why won't you hold her Emily?" Derek asked, glancing down at their sleeping daughter.

"I don't want to talk about it Derek," Emily replied, folding her arms across her chest.

"Don't shut me out Emily. Something's wrong and you won't let me in. I'm your husband damnit; you can't keep pushing me away," Derek whispered heatedly, so as not to wake Audrey.

"Please Derek; don't go there, you'll hate me for it. I know you will," Emily pleaded, her voice breaking. There was the sense of guilt and rejection appearing in her voice and it broke Derek's heart.

"You don't know that Emily. I just want to help," Derek argued.

"I don't…I don't think you can Derek. I just, I've wanted a family for so long and I'm scared I'm going to screw it up," Emily admitted, sadness tinging her voice.

"Oh Emily, honey you could never be a bad mother. All first time mothers are afraid of screwing up but I've seen you with kids Em and you're wonderful. You're a natural mother," Derek soothed.

"But that's just it Derek, that first time I tried to feed her, she wouldn't feed and she was so fussy. I felt like I'd done something wrong, like I wasn't good enough to be her mother. And then I couldn't hold her because I was afraid I'd hurt her and everything just spiralled out of control from there," Emily sobbed, her head coming to rest on her hands, causing her raven coloured hair to shield her face. Derek didn't know what to do or what to say, he was a FBI Agent not an obstetrician. He didn't know how to handle postpartum depression.

Setting Audrey in her crib beside the bed, Derek took Emily's hands in his holding them against his chest. He rested his forehead against hers as she tried to control her sobbing as he whispered reassurances to her.

"Emily listen to me," Derek said, breaking through her quiet sobs. "I think I know why you're feeling this way and trust me Em, we can get through this together."

Emily pulled back just enough to see his face. She looked at him through tear filled eyes and shook her head. There was no way Derek knew how she felt; he couldn't possibly know what she was thinking either. _She_ didn't even know that.

"You couldn't know Derek, you couldn't understand," Emily replied solemnly. Derek nodded his head, his hands moving to cup her cheeks.

"You're right I couldn't but Emily this…this _state_ you're in, I can help you out of it."

"But you can't, there's only one way out," Emily replied, trailing off softly. Derek looked up at her in alarm. He hoped he hadn't just heard what he thought he heard come out of her mouth. She hadn't seriously just suggested suicide to him, had she?

"Emily, darling, there is more than one way out. Trust me there is. We can get you help," Derek begged. He was not about to lose his wife because of this.

"But Derek…" Emily sobbed her voice weak.

"No Emily, I will not let you fall into that darkness. You have to be strong for yourself, for me and for Audrey."

"I'm sorry. Forgive me."

* * *

**_AN: Hey now, long time no write, right? Haha. Anyway this kind of just slipped out there one day while doing a school assignment. One moment I was being told that our assignment was to write a short story and the next I realised I've written a little Criminal Minds oneshot! Anyway, it's a bit dark and the ending? What does she do? Does she kill herself? That's up to you! Let your imaginations run wild. I guess that's all for now, thanks for reading. xo._**


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